Midnight Oil:Movies and More

Real Life, Real Divorce, Really Hard

My friend is going through a rough time in her marriage. I don’t know if the marriage will survive. It’s not easy for the kids.

Truth be told, I have a few different friends and acquaintances who are going through really difficult things in their marriages. The “issues” that these people are dealing with seem a tad more serious than the “issues” presented in Kramer vs. Kramer on TVO’s Saturday Night at the Movies this past Saturday: chronic debilitating physical illness, mental illness, pornography addiction, financial instability, a severely disabled child. The list goes on. As mentioned in a previous entry, one of my friends whose marriage ended in divorce was in so much emotional pain that she eventually committed suicide.

Man, it’s serious stuff.

Not to say that Kramer vs. Kramer is a lightweight treatment of the subject of the divorce and its aftermath. That is hardly the case. I found that this portrait of modern day divorce by Robert Benton was delicately drawn, much like Vivaldi mandolin concerto that plays in the background.

The characters are complex, and, I found, strikingly true to life. Dustin Hoffman as Ted Kramer, the workaholic New York ad man, is entirely believable. As many others have said, the interactions between Hoffman and the young Justin Henry were remarkably realistic as father and son grope their way towards working out a new way of relating to each other after mom leaves. Meryl Streep as Joanna Kramer also plays a very persuasive part as a supporting actress. Persuasive is a funny word to use here since Streep’s character fails to be “persuasive” at the climax of the film during the court custody battle. We are not at all persuaded that the judge has made a just decision in awarding custody to the mother. However, the whole import of the film, including Meryl Streep’s performance, manages to persuade us emotionally that both sides in the marital conflict have their faults and their fine points. Just as in real life, it is tricky business to decide who needs to take responsibility for what and what really would be best.

At one point in the movie, Ted really loses it when the kid accidentally spills his juice on the living room coffee table and ruins the papers he has been working on for an important deadline. Ted responds “inappropriately”. He is very angry as the pressure of adult responsibilities from his work life and the outcome of normal childish behaviour from his life as a parent collide. Who of us, myself included, cannot find themselves in Ted’s momentary outburst of anger? It’s real life as a real parent. This does not mean that Ted is a “bad” father. It also doesn’t mean that his actions and attitudes are okay. It just means that he is human.

A short time later in the film, Ted does respond appropriately to Billy as he reads a letter from his wife to the little boy. The letter uses Joanna’s words to try to explain to her son why she felt it necessary to leave. She writes, “It just means that I won’t be your mommy in the house but I’ll always be your mommy in the heart.” Billy doesn’t buy it. He rolls over in bed and flicks on the T.V. Billy feels hurt and rejected because his mommy has left, no matter what anyone says about it. Ted tries to “explain” things to his son in a way that perhaps he can understand. Ted’s explanationdemonstrates a great deal of personal growth and maturing when one thinks back to his state of relative emotional immaturity and self-absorption at the beginning of the film. Ted is trying his best to be a good parent. But sometimes, in such circumstances, one’s best is just not enough. Billy will survive the divorce ordeal much better because his dad has learned to grow up a bit. It still doesn’t change the reality: Billy’s little world has been blasted to pieces by his parents’ marital conflict.

The film ends on a somewhat positive note. You feel as if there is hope, if not for the marriage itself, then at least for the potential for growth in human relationships. Ted’s last words to his ex-wife as she ascends in the elevator with a tear-stained face are, “You look terrific.” Ted is not being trite or flippant. Whereas he might have said the same thing at the beginning of the film in a way that refused to acknowledge Joanna’s personhood, this time around you feel like Ted has actually learned something about what it means to be accepting and supportive of another human being. That’s an accomplishment. One might do well in the general course of things to learn this lesson before one embarks on the difficult and dangerous voyage of marriage and raising kids, but, what with one thing and another, it is understandable how some of us come to it later than others. It seems to be the message of the film to say something like, “Better late than never”.

When I first saw this film many years ago I was thoroughly impressed. I said to myself, “That is a good movie.” Today, more than 25 years later, I have watched a lot more films. I still have the same conclusion, “Now that was a good movie.”

See what TVOntario is up to next Saturday night, May 13^th starting at 8pm EST with “Dirty Rotten Scoundrels” (1988) with Michael Cain and Steve Martin and “The Grifters” with Anjelica Huston and John Cusack to be followed by “Dangerous Liasons” for the late show. Let’s hear it for the seedy side of human nature!

Suggested Reading:

• Ebert reports that the realism between Hoffman and Henry was due to on-set improvisation
• First person account: hope for a failing marriage
• For the first-timer: in view of the risks of divorce, why should we even try this marriage thing?
• Helping kids deal with divorce
• Leaving an emotionally abusive relationship